हमारे ज़माने में Syndrome

Upgrade/ Or become Obsolete. I did not pass in parenting skills --- and that's fine. So long I do not use my kids' achievements or failures as a yardstick to define me as a person, It is fine. At home, both my kids (25 year old daughter and 20 year old son) have given me ample opportunities to revisit myself as a person and a parent. 1. My son was addicted to e-games during the covid period and it was a challenge for me/us to withstand that phase. Initially, I behaved like a typical parent and things turned worse. It was like a never ending nightmare- but now it's behind us. What remains, is a deep experiential learning. 2. Two years earlier, my daughter abruptly took the decision to resign from her plush job and take an indefinite break. She considered changing her field altogether. I felt so sad and was clearly upset. I felt as if someone has robbed me of my pride. Gradually, I came to terms with the situation and noticed certain facts about me as a parent: i) Coming from a humble family with a hardcore middle class background, my daughter's feat of getting a high end job was honestly beyond my expectations. I relished that moment and unconsciously, I started treating my daughter's job as a trophy, that I have won. I was showing her off to my family. To that family (at Kolkata) who did not approve and still question my crosscultural marriage (Bengali married to a Gujarati).I was showing her off to my in laws' family who are not a great fan of my home management and child rearing skills. Her getting into the job however, had nothing to do with my choice of marriage or my home/family management skills. Learning - I was regarding this as an indicator of my success as a parent. ii) While in her job, my daughter had shared with me multiple times about the stress she is going through and her growing disinclination in the sector. All the time, I was trying to 'fix' the situation. I was not listening. I was not ready to accept. I was prescribing solutions. In the back of my mind, propelled by my middle class loyalties, I was actually weighing the 'job' as an 'outcome' against the costs incurred in pursuing the studies that readies her for the job market. Learning - Children do not always look up to us for solutions. They just want us to be with them, help them stand the ground. I took a lot of time to learn this. No matter how cool and romantic it may sound on the silver screen ... " "जा सिमरन जा..जी ले अपनी जिंदगी" reality bites deep and differently. v. I was imposing my fears and insecurities on my daughter... while pretending to empathize with her. I am glad she had the courage to break away from my influence and indulgence and took a decision independently. Now, she owns it and stands by. learning- The fears are ours. We project our fears through punishing our children, in any form- overt or covert. learning - As a parent, my sole tresponsibility is to nurture an empowering space. vi. Finally, I have seen that when I am happy, it changes the home environment. And when I get upset, my thoughts are clogged and the doors are unseen--- or perceived as closed. So, it's important that I am happy and sane. I learnt it the hard way though. Learning- My association with Visamo Kids Foundation, the shelter home for underprivileged children in Ahmedabad has taught me that self management is the most important skill set. Deviance demostrated by the kids- be it at home or at work, is actually a chance gifted to me to 'upgrade' meself as a parent... it is my responsibility to identify and acknowledge the adversities and differences and alter the parenting style accordingly. If a child is falling out of the 'perceived' line, --- he/she is trying to convey something. Speaking with him/her, trying to understand his/her POV (Point of View), being with him/her is the pathway ahead. The recent webseries on the Netflix, Adolescence harped on several crucial issues and one being 'communication with children'. Parenting has to be flipped. It can't be uni-directional and instructional only. the challenges faced by the kids/ teens/ young adults are no way anyweher near to what we have faced while growing up. We need to accept this change and get upgraded to remain viable and relevant. It's high time we do away with "हमारे ज़माने में" syndrome.